X Factor viewers = sheeple of the dumbest kind

My Facebook an Twitter accounts are full of people bleating about X Factor.

“Get Wagner out!”

“I can’t believe Katie’s still in!!”

“[Insert name of vacuous contestant here] to win!!!”

They kid themselves that they have any control whatsoever over what happens over the duration of the series. Well, they do, but only as far as if they don’t phone those numbers and keep the money rolling in, the show will be canceled and Cowell and his mates will move onto the next money-making scheme. Everything else is pre-written, right from the start, before we even get to laugh at the ‘audition’ stages.

And by the way, if you still don’t know, the people you see at the auditions have already been through a screening stage and have been picked out because they fit the criteria… they must fit the story that’s already been written. We need comedy and tragedy for a good story, right?

People wonder how the truly awful ones actually have the audacity to believe they have a talent for singing when they sound like a cat being used as bag pipes underwater. That’s because they were screened already and told they were through, because they clearly are talented and fantastic singers. It’s not true, of course, and it builds them up for an obvious fall when the panel laugh at them and the crowd yells at them to get off the stage. There’s no thought to the well being of these people, who often appear to be mentally subnormal and vulnerable. Does anyone look after them? Does anyone make sure they’re not suicidal after their dreams have been built up and dashed?

Ah but it makes great telly, so that’s ok.

X Factor also relies on a bit of scandal and shock. It needs the headlines so that people will keep talking about it, keep watching it, keep imagining it’s all real and keep calling those all-important phone lines. The more scandalous the contestant, the better. Your family will get thrown out of the UK if we don’t take you forward as a final contestant? Tick that box! Daily Mail outrage – sorted! Ka-ching! You used to work as a prostitute and were a little bit desperate for fame? Why, viewers will HATE you! Ka-ching!! Annoying teenage brat with illegal tattoos and a dubious background and no talent at all? Parents will hate you, and young teenage brats with illegal tattoos and dubious backgrounds with no talent at all will LOVE you… Ka-CHING!!!

And you all fit the story that’s already been written! Only the contestants don’t seem to know it themselves, even. And that’s the really sad part. The newspapers have headline after headline exposing them for the fragile, imperfect human beings they are. It’s unfair. They build them up and knock them down again. Those nasty papers. Nasty journalists.

Except, every single one of those stories has been sanctioned by the X Factor publicity office. Every single one of them. Don’t kid yourself that they make stuff up, because they don’t. We had Heat magazine call up just last week asking for stories about one of the contestants, but we already know, and Heat already know, they have to go through the publicity office at X Factor first. There are no exposes. Nothing is a shock to Cowell and his mates. He just loves a bit of controversy. Ka-ching all the way to the bank, Mr Cowell! Screw the human beings who are the victims of all of this, dumped when the next big things comes along.

And the sheeple lap it up and keep calling those phone lines. They’d be better off getting out there, away from that television feeding them stories, and finding some proper music, because I bet the band down the local pub are better than anything you’ve ever seen on the likes of X Factor. Really, they’d appreciate your support.