Daily Wail reading causes cancer

LONDON – Man diagnosed with cancer after reading a Daily Wail.

Yesterday, a 62-year-old man was diagnosed with cancer after reading a Daily Wail. Specialists believe that the stress induced by reading scare-mongering stories in the Wail weakened Mr. Fred M^c Spreading’s immune system allowing a tumour to develop in his abdomen almost the size of a cup.

“Concerns have been raised before about the safety of Daily Wail reading,” said Dr. George Oakshott “I think it’s now time to recognise that there is something inherently dangerous about Wail reading. I understand that the safety of newspaper reading has been established, even that it is beneficial, but there are some dangerous and toxic contents in a Wail that can no longer be denied. We must stop suppression of the truth.”

Although absolutely no causal link whatsoever between reading the Daily Wail and Mr. M^c Spreading’s cancer diagnosis has been established, his diagnosis raises some serious questions about the safety of Wail reading.

“No one warned me how dangerous reading the Daily Wail could be,” said a panic-stricken housewife leaving the newsagent’s after she was informed by us that doing so can cause cancer. Public fear over Wail reading and cancer is clearly growing.

A spokesman for the Wail said:

It is extremely irresponsible to go making wild claims like this from a single report when the cause of the cancer hasn’t even been identified. It could have been caused by anything: vaccinations, strawberries, mobile-phone masts, immigrants, cheese or homosexuality, for example. You’ve only got to read the Daily Wail to appreciate the millions upon millions of things that cause cancer to people like you every day.

Well facts are facts; and although we haven’t got any, what we do know is that Mr. M^c Spreading read a Daily Wail, then got cancer. The logical deduction is obvious is it not?

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